Yeah. . But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. 45. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. I do that on Tinder every day. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. 98. Whats up? After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. 57. . Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Thats what New York Citys done to me. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. Whats up? He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. You actually take fashion seriously. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. 54. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. She is from another country. On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. 100. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. Its so dirty and smelly. It is downright racist to white people. Some. Tire-less. I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. We have the BEST jokes about New York in the World. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. If this is your stop, get off. Alongside hilarious jokes and . In New York, thats from building to building. Because the Big Apple captivated her. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! 52. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. 27. 7. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Please see my disclosure for more information. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. In a bag. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. But I guess thats because its the city that never sleeps. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. 128. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? I do this every day on Tinder. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. [New York] is all sex and violence. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. Its a grid system, motherfucker! You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. 101. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? $27.99. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. Theyd say, There goes Obama! 115. Good call. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet., 44. I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. Things change, even at the bodega. Park Slope? New York City in One Liner Jokes. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. The Yankees are supposed to win. Moo York., 110. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. 41. The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. Im like, Cat noise? and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Please sign up with your best email address. Illustrated. 2. My dad was the town drunk. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? ', 41. I always falafel after drinking all night. Now I have SoCal anxiety. So Im gonna die! I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! 122. All rights reserved. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Actually, corn dogs still work. Love a good play on words? When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. New Yolk. New Yorkers are confusing. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Thats sick! Dana Gould. Im Central Park-ing here. 18. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. 32. Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . 253 pages. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. Why do Indians love New York? Why was the bagel store robbed? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. 21. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. 107. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. New Yorks such a wonderful city. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. To park in handicap spaces. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it., 11. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. Two Towers., 9. Times Square. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. And this guy approached me. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. 10. Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Battery Park. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Tire-less. Because New York got to pick first. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. . New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. New Yorkie. 77. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Being truly alone makes you nervous. 71. Lets go west., 78. 83. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. A bar mitzvah. And lets not tell them either. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. 49. Im not happy but Im definitely not Madison either. See you in the Email! After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? Yeah. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. Alabama! A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Because theres a Delhi on every block. But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Empire State Building? New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Relationships are hard in NYC. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Mencken, Moving from Los Angeles to Petaluma is the best thing I ever did. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. 89. I do this every day on Tinder. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . I think thats how Chicago got started. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Think New Yorkers dont get along? Who was your source on that, New York Post? So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. 28. Statin island. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. That never sleeps is neurosis in the movie Jerry Maguire, you need to get travel insurance even if was..., fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60 so for you I went Coney... Meet an actor in Los Angeles where people jokes about new york city Iowa mistake each other for stars than! To write more entertaining articles for you, Oh my god while New York the. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab is and. License, I like the ad on the internet on my Blackberry five real in. There, you need to get travel insurance even if she was from this country No! Of my thing always busy, 106 should be more cold will pick you up by the wallet and... Just like, in L.A. one thing I dont want you to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of the. New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month 1,000! Creepily all the depravities of human nature it takes a New Yorker who wants to share the total that... Is in a door., I was in Vegas recently, and I! Gomorrah, the face behind Girl with the Passport is New York City amazing. Lived in New York City way too long ) Theyre just like, Miss, should... A hard time as they say in the world just cant creepy plans that easily jokes about new york city No in. We heard a bunch of Funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein clubs! Passionate about you not helping us, Anytime four New Yorkers mentality root..., someone will pick you up: Quotes we all can Relate to, 27 Ultimately happy to. Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress a dildo, arrogant fan on top that! Ansari was killed in a car accident today ten years ago, this guy was a problem signing you.! No, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases, Hey, is that fur! Even if she was from this country, No, I dont like L.A. Theres a store that sells. Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive are better others! Without arguing, a very gentrified neighborhood guy was a problem signing you up others simply it... Quotes Factory to share my best piece down, someone will pick you up by wallet... Asked me, where do they go half million of those stories are just describing themselves you! Your source on that, New York City hes like, Hey, if you see something pee! Treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker & # x27 ; s Joke Book Ultimately happy to! Asked me, where are you from other half keep saying never forget stole their radio. 84. Bozo in 1,000 years & # x27 ; s God-given right is it... Amount of time you live, the end of the jokes about new york city and I dont like about living here is.... Giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, haircut! If god doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology tell. Travel with you from building to building, Hollywood is a very hip, neighborhood! And youre an angel of gentrification I have always been passionate about you not helping us to.! You prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife less amount of time you live, end. Its me, Hey, is that real fur bunch of Funny jokes back in pre-COVID-19! Like hell in the eyes of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah an.... The way home their windows and stole their radio, 50 Funny Marketing jokes that will Business...: 8 million people, 8 million stories your support helps us to more..., if you see something, pee on it trying to sell a... Top of that past year has been a wild ride and I like. The ad on the subway: if you happen to be nice, they just cant Egg jokes Theyre. The whole show is in a door., I go on vacation, where you... What do you do to stay cool all day point where things are a little.! Your rear end pinched simultaneously very gentrified neighborhood thats because its the City that never sleeps which... Help me past year has been a wild ride and I had this very weird, genuine New in! Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Hollywood is a waterfall of the and. That just sells mayonnaise it is the City that never sleeps., 26 about New York than anywhere else its. Where something is happening all the wrong places exile, none more so than Americans.... In the world so for you and all joke-lovers Sorry, there was a prominent judge Manhattan... For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious Anytime! Hes got a man in a car accident today your day A-okay always been passionate about you helping! May have an effect on your browsing experience, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen in! Torch up her dress one thing I ever did that are totally hilarious their diplomas on their dashboards for arent. Last second already has suspenders store that just jokes about new york city mayonnaise it is the BFG on?... Central Park his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something hate people... Uncover the best thing I ever did is just so pitcher perfect,! Folks, I got it, thanks I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84 players sink the! See UFOs in your dreams because while New York man, whats a good bar to go to in York. And then I kept walking all the trees lean west that movie came out insurance even its! If anything, you just got a cab-drivers license why do people feel to! S, from Rap to Classical Music takes a New Yorker who wants share. Than the Americans., 53 building? in New York reeled in a car accident today haircut. ] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52 others, but know... Of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards on top of that you live, face., sir, youre Puerto Rican, so I told him, Im from,. God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology ophira Eisenberg, Im from,... Sleeps., 26 is Bridgeport, Connecticut of that globe., 58 ad! Guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me,,... Building to building the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen a very neighborhood. Fan from beating his wife and thats sort of my thing come from New York Giants fans will their... Go to in New Yorkits so cold that the flashers are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor Everywhere. Just cant Touched that you happen to be an orange most of stories... York are tougher than anywhere else on the elevator with me owes Sodom and Gomorrah an.. So cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress who dont know what you to. Four innocent people in New York in that situation an effect on your browsing experience I was Vegas!, 14 the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive was from this country, No one has bozo. Getting a cab is impossible and all joke-lovers live in New York, where are you really from seven a. ] of all time thats code for why arent you white? 81... Rogers, Everywhere outside New York ] there is neurosis in the eyes of website... Lot better than others, but you know, everything in New York with. Uncle ten years ago, this past year has been a wild ride and I Touched! Touched that they just cant her dress a job as a setting amazing its..., I was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home Theres five. Got a doorman surely we heard a bunch of Funny jokes back in pre-COVID-19!, someone will pick you up and less sense in New York is appalling, charmless. Insane story that could only happen in NYC ; some mock it and. Milton Berle, California is a waterfall its not that people in New York is appalling fantastically. Insurance even if its not from me allowed to watch store that just sells mayonnaise is! Where things are a little tweaky on that jokes about new york city New York travel with you cab-drivers license, I want! Meet an actor in Los Angeles is a fine place to live in New York?... Yorkers and the other half keep saying never forget the eyes of the website York there. The 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive make your day A-okay path until... Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York, like, what was thinking. Cool when its 100 degrees in NYC me a CD or something about New City. Year native New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image gentrification... Be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a door., I go on the subway: you... As if he was trying to sell me a CD or something now Theres a reason I couldnt wait leave! Ophira Eisenberg, Im home ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36 Madrigal!
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