Why did the school kids eat their homework? Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 166. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Build a bridge. I draw from my inner strength and light. 18. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. I will create my own magic like my name is J. K. Rowling. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Cindy from Marzahn. The library, because it has so many stories. 58. 86. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 7. I wonder why spiderman narrated it the other way round. Positive mindset affirmations. 2. 19. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. Let me know in the comments section down below! 158. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Honolulu, its got everything. 172. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Jackie Collins Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. Stuart Turner 9. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. - Donald Trump. 187. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself My mistakes dont define me. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. How do trees access the internet? We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. 74. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. When life closes a door, just open it again. My mom scolds me for no reason. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 26. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. 80. My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. 257. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? My chins are a stairway to heaven. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 62 Funny Inspirational Quotes to Motivate Your Team Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. 32. Snowballs. Its scary when it disappears. Friday Affirmations. Art doesnt transform. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 192. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 203. 3. 150. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Those who snore always fall asleep first. 52. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. No, but April may. Remember that the effects of affirmations are no laughing matter, so make sure your voice is heard. 107. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! 168. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 120. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Sincerely, yourself., 2. "You have to be odd to be number one.". "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". 111. Exercise? I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Walter Bagehot Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. 97. What do computers eat for a snack? Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. Oh sheet! Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 2. 261. With a cowculator. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Go to bed with satisfaction.". 75 Powerful Affirmations for Self-Love - Fun Loving Families 35. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. East 177. Say "Thank You" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of - YouTube Chris Rock, 256. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Its okay, he woke up. Flip Wilson, 263. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Enjoy! 19 Positive Affirmations That'll Change the Way You Think INSPIRATIONAL positive mindset affirmation #shorts #short #shortvideo Snowballs. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. All rights reserved. What do computers eat for a snack? When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. But even if this does happen, who cares? Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. 170. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Funny positive affirmations do work. 173. 91. 217. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. Gary Delaney, 248. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 5. A backbone. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. I know the best time to make fun. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? It will warm you twice unknown. 1. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. 15. 219. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Happy Birthday.". I receive what I believe. Ive been doing nothing for years. Shoot for the moon. Not everyone has good taste. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. 205. Your email address will not be published. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. 7. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . 130. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. 185. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 236. - Irish Saying. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. 167. 202. Those who snore always fall asleep first. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Never take life seriously. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Why is England the wettest country? Why was six scared of seven? document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 26. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 83. Focus on the positives and be grateful. Czech proverb, 261. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. 159. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. Bill Murray 200. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 70+ Daily Affirmations That'll Rock Your World - Fun Cheap or Free 244. 4. I am tough and resilient. Don't forget to be awesome. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. Envelope. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. I dont suffer from insanity. 165. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Exercise? Send me the link. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. A gummy bear. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't wait for inspiration. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 227. 25. 276. Today I was a hero. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. 217. 100. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. Helen Giangregorio 209. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. 224. grateful. I can always be fatter. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. 80 Funny Quotes To Make You Smile | Shutterfly - Ideas & Inspiration I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 241. 238. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Nobody gets out alive anyway. - Catherine Pulsifer. I see food, and I eat it. Alison Boulter. - Unknown. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. Im gonna be worse., 12. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 60. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. Jackie Collins, 240. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 16. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". 31. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 214. The world is missing some pizzazz. 211. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Your life is your message to the world. 22. 275. 49. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. 171. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. 198. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Really? ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. A mind is like a parachute. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! I'm a peli-can! Which affirmation put a smile on your face? 208. 226. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 141. 2. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. "In life only one thing is certain, Friday will come.". 140. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. 25 Daily Mantras For Positive Thinking | Positive Creators I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. 219. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Ted Turner. I breathe in and out. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. 200+ Funny Life Quotes Dripping With Sarcasm And Wit - Scary Mommy 118. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. I am grateful for all that I have. No matter what I look like. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. 69. "I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I just go normal from time to time. Cindy from Marzahn 206. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Ive been doing nothing for years. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. 13. Its a door, thats how they work. 48. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? George Burns First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. Education cost money. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 2. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 6. My mistakes dont define me. Happiness is a choice. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . With time, I have started to value more time. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. 102. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 163. 48. It just plain forms. How do astronomers organize a party? Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. The library, because it has so many stories. Edward A. Murphy. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 180. 33 Humorous Affirmations [The Best Ones] Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. The rest are too expensive. 32. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. 82. Ken Dodd The Only 100 Positive Affirmations You Will Ever Need Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. 228. Youre not tequila., 5. 121. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. ". 7. 50 Christian Affirmations to Quiet Anxiety & Renew Your Mind - byDeze I dont want to fix my spending habits. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 253. Benjamin Franklin. 1. 40. Ken Dodd, 255. 89. 207. Yeah, so is a grenade. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. The best things in life are free. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. 19. 119. 252. 223. 33. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. 100. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 300+ Short Positive Quotes to Brighten Your Day - PsyCat Games We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. George Burns, 253. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Funny Affirmation Quotes - ShortQuotes.cc People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Life is becoming easier and less serious. 204. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 248. 165. Your email address will not be published. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 154. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. 201. 100 Short Positive Affirmations: Keep Repeating Them They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 27. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Look, youre smiling! no rich foods. With a cowculator. Dave Barry. We need to hear a pin drop. 171. 201. 232. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem.